19. When I Die

The Day I Die
Image: Google 

    🌹 The scops owl might have cried during all night long in order to be with the wild chrysanthemum, while it was blooming in the lonely field...

The birth pang for a new life might be the same as "the cry of the scops owl" in the somber darkness... That night, when the scops owl cried, cried, cried, the dim moonshine might not even have lit/lighted them...

He, the scops owl, didn't turn his back, while the wild chrysanthemum was blooming, though he was not a flower, but he was none other than the alienated bird that had only to act at night, having the creepy eyes...

The night when she was blooming, his only mind would have been on her with his cry, for her agonizing blooming...

The Scops Owl At Night 
Image Google 

The scops owl has a "doleful" voice unlike his bloodcurdling/scared eyes... Every time he is crying early summer night, nobody can see him at the exact moment...

When I was young, I lived in a small villageㅡthe countryside, which was encircled by nature, so that I know his mournful cry very well, and still plainly remember...the plaintive cry... his cry...

Perhaps, he might have known the wild chrysanthemum's misery and lonesomeness in the dead/middle of night, crying... crying...crying...and crying...with his doleful voice...

Image Google

But, it might have been his comfort and support toward her... for the scops owl was also alienated from other birds... Who would welcome him...? No one will be...

Every person might admire other birds, not the scops owl, such as a talented parrot, a yellowish oriole which has a beautiful voice, a powerful eagle, a showy peacock, a nimble swallow which makes known coming spring, a pretty canary bird... and the rest...

During the night, they, he and she , were in there together... but yet, no one knew about that... and no one could see them...

Such a wild chrysanthemum blooms aloneㅡwithout anyone knowingㅡat night in the lonely and the wild field, like when the scops owl dolefully cries alone...

For this reason, she might give forth the overpowering, the deep, and the bitter fragrance as much as she has lived in the wild field with her own birth pangs/throes and with her hard life, out there...

A Wild Chrysanthemum
Image Google

Whenever I look at wild chrysanthemums in autumn, I  would love to take/snuff her deep and bitter scent, but it makes me feel refreshed with her own bitterness, I don't even know where it comes from... but, she only has its scent in her, which might be "the grace of the bitterness."  Besides, whenever I simply and indirectly see her, so to speak, through an image-picture as above, such an unforgettable fragrance is etched/engraved in my memory and heart...

Moreover, she never looks luxurious or gorgeous, but looks like a tiny and feeble flower with the monotone white hue that is she has, even so, the Creator cares for her and cultivates her growing in person in the wild field 
and in the middle of the night, not the sunny day, without anyone knowing her bursting into bloom, probably, lest she should be shown is, might be the mystery of the birth.

Like this, the sorrowful scops owl's cry and her bitter scent are still memorable deep in my heart... still...yes...still...

Well, most likely, most people might not have witnessed one's last moment of dying firsthand, not secondhand... For good or for bad, or either fortunate or unfortunate, or anywhere in between, I witnessed the last moment of dying my grandmother at home.

Yes... I also witnessed a dying man in ER(Emergency Room), several doctors were in there and one of doctors (was a man who had a power than a woman doctor) was massaging the patient's dying heart, they, doctors, looked busy, and the tension of the death was besieging all around in ER... 

Finally, one of doctors was trying CPR(cardiopulmonary resuscitation) through a cardiac defibrillator(kind of an electric method of CPR), and then he hurriedly shouted to other doctors, "Do tone up/turn up its voltage more!"ㅡ I don't even know the medical terminology of what he said exactly, anyway the connected monitor of CPR medical equipment was indicating the greenish graph on the black screen that seemed to become feebler and feebler...

Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...

tick...tick...tock...tock...ti...c...ti...ck...to..o..o..o...o...o..o...

"tock."

 (It sounded like a metronome or his own heartbeat...)

Suddenly, the last alarm rang out from the equipment...
It was meant that his last cardiac impulse/heartbeat was gone...

Soon after, one of doctors declared the patient's last death, charting it, such as: his name, the last time he died, the name of a disease, death reason, his address, his age, the place he died(in ER), etc... Immediately, the dead body was covered with the white blanket from foot to head... and then, a couple of his(the patient's) family came in crowds, began to cry....cry....cry...and cry..... 
Regardless, that doctors scattered right away. When I was sick by lung disease in ER, I saw all them... I "saw" its scene...

My grandmother was around 96~98 years old at that timeㅡ I don't clearly remember her age, she was not particularly sick, but died because of her old ageㅡ a natural death.  When she was dying, I was with her, she looked like a dry bone itself, her face was like a skull too, there was no left her flesh onto...

I graphically witnessed her last breath, the moment of her dying, of how God let humans die... When we humans die, God lets us "weaken" to the bone, there should not be left the rest/extra energy "at all", as we are breathing the last moment... 

Even she seemed very labored to breathe, the last breathing was weakening...slowly....slowly.....slowly....
Furthermore, she also seemed utterly difficult to close eyes, for her drooped eyelid looked heavy to close, therein, there was her faint, lifeless, and wet pupil by aging, as her drooped eyelid was about to close forever... ,which means, she had no any energy to close eyes and to breathe the last moment. In the end, her last breath was all stopped...and the eyelid was closed forever...

I closed her eyes once again, praying for her last way...
 " God... if you wants, please... take her spirit in your bosom..." 

God took away her last life as if a white butterfly flying away... with the lightness... She leaved from her hard and long life in such a way...

Back then, I expressly realized how God took humans, when we humans die, God lets us lose most and least, every, every, every... , power and energy humans have... , that is the death we humans have to be done...

That day I die, I wish that someone would present me the bunch of wild chrysanthemums onto my coffin on behalf of the white rose... Her deep and bitter fragrance might soothe my last way and might whisper to me ;

" I understand your bitter life, 

From now on,

may you rest in peace...

forevermore"

Like when the scops owl cried 
for the bitterness of the wild chrysanthemum
 in the dead of the night...

 I might be with 
her bitter fragrance
and
his doleful cry
on that day I die...

The last consolation,
farewell...

Image  Google

Isourblog  Shalom

Four Seasons Literary Opinion

Gingko Street

Spring, 

Summer,

Fall,

Winter.

Such four seasons endlessly circulate in which we live.

1. Spring

 

     🌸 In the Spring, all nature begins to sprout, overcoming the unsparing winter. When it comes to the point, many buds in nature sprout. It overspreads all around through their yellowish-green hue. Further, the mild spring breeze tickles them, on each occasion, that buds slightly shake, feeling breeze's tender affection. Birds sing for their new births. No one will dislike seeing their new life which is springing up.

2. Summer

        In the summer, the ablaze sun comes out, so that matures its new births. That new births must conquer the burning sunshineㅡ the thirst, the drought, and once in a while, the typhoon, the hailstone, the thunderstorm, the flash of lightning, the harmful insects, and the floodwaters and so on...

      All these things turn out abject agonys to new births.  Yet that abject agonys necessarily need them to be turned red for a harvest. In that sense, such hindrances are like a "necessary evil."  Yes... sadly, a necessary evil... Who wants to encounter that malicious evil...? who would want it...? Notwithstanding, it is necessary for.

3. Autumn

      In the autumn, at last every life must be harvested, thus, chaffs will be thrown out toward a fire pit, and the full gains will be gathered into a storage. There might be the bittersweetness.

      And there are another bittersweetness in autumn; one is for the harvest, the other is for losing lifeㅡ dying... Therein lies the point of intersection at one time,  that is autumn...

      Every life loses their lives for a winter, so to speak, all fruits are harvested without exception; flowers wither and then fade away; leaves on the trees dry up, after that, drop from. That is like a man's life cycle... No one can stick to "the only sweetness of harvest". Soon after, all must die and be in peace for a winter as well..., that is winter...

4. Winter

 

      In the winter, every life begins to sleep in the snow, in the whiteness, in the snowy land... Its whiteness embraces all the dead like that... 

 When scattering snowflakes on every side,

 the whiteness covers everything with his peace: 

The sadness,

The loneliness, 

The tears,

The sweat,

The sigh,

The resentment, 

The wrath,

The anxiety,

The frustration, 

The sickness,

The hunger,

The thirst,

All the agonys of life... 

 in spring, 

   in summer, 

and

  in autumn...

        In that sense, four seasons might represent what life is... 

Epilogue

        Every time it comes back autumn, I would like to walk down the road that is piled up ginkgo leaves. There I might have to embrace not only the harvest but also the losing, the dying, things..., loving every dying things...

I will have to go on foot on the road

that has been given to me...

 With all of it...

On the yellow road...

ISOURBLOG SHALOM

17. Three Kinds Of Kiss

The KISS
Gustav Klimt
Image from Google

    🌹The Kiss...
Most people may know this famous and remarkable artwork, "THE KISS" of Gustav Klimt(Austria,1862~1918).
We people may crave to " kiss" with a beloved like this enviable couple in Klimt work. There might be a thousand one reasons. Once in a while, we people may desire to kiss, the so-called french kiss/soul kiss and sometimes to meltingly kiss in a sweet wetness... its... its.....

I also have known this artwork, but yet I didn't have much interest to admire this painting... however, a few days ago, I was deeply impressed by, while I was appreciating this artwork with its title, " The Kiss". For I felt a state of euphoria in him and in her.

As we see its painting, there is no any chasm/gap between him and her, which looks like a " lump", the state not be split up, which says, their full cuddle/hug in them, though the man seems to have the brown-skinned that most people might dislike the hue. Further, we cannot see his face of how he looks unlike this raptured woman, regardless of it, she is in enchant/ecstasies...in him...

He might have been Gustav Kilmt himself, for in fact he was not handsome in my eyes, so that he would have wanted to veil himself in his painting in such a way, or he might have wanted to ONLY emphasize his beloved... for her euphoria.

That being said, he could find romance very well, in other words, he had a love triangle affair, and more... perhaps. He did not even get married, but had a couple of his children among. For he had a fetish about women, thus almost all his artworks were portrayed by the portraits of "women"  based on "eroticism." 

Klimt was vastly different from other artists who delved into "self-portrait", it means an indirect question, such as
" Who am I ?" In contrast, Klimt rid his  "presence/existence" in his painting, instead of it, filled the portrait of womenㅡother people, not himselfㅡon the canvas, on this account, he might have loved several women...

According to rumors, he especially loved one of women was named, Emilie Floge. He disliked to write letters itself, but wrote his postcards and his short letters only for "her" every day. Because, he loved her with his spiritㅡplatonic loveㅡwithout their sexual relationship, so before he dies, the moment of the last straw, he said, " Please... bring her to me...". This is her ; Emilie Floge

Image from Google

Similarly, we people thirst for "LOVE" is, might be expressed "communicate" or "commune with."

Actually, everything in our lives connotes/implies its "communication", by the way, what if we people cannot communicate with others as if "Robinson Crusoe" (novel, Daniel Defoe, UK, published 1719), who spent a long time in the isolated island, then we may feel the utmost loneliness... for human beings are social animals. Who can live as if a " machine " that can never communicate with each other?...No one will do that as long as we human have our own thought and emotion in.

Even so, we people don't want to lose our being/existence/presence among others, but rather, might want to stress "our presence", so to speak, "I am here", which means, "Do not look down on me. I'm better than you."

In such a setting, a man's communication itself might be a route/medium to make others "mine/one's" like a magnet, "the self-centered energy", that draws objects toward "self ", only for "self "... Simply put, it is like a "brainwashing" to make others one's marionette.

Unless people do like this "get attention", we people cannot even make money, for example, if anyone wants to make money through blogging, then bloggers must draw/decoy others with diverse ways to monetize their blog. There should be a mutual and a friendly communication. Who wants to pay the cost without its communication?... In other words, who wants to pay the cost to the dead blog that cannot communicate with?... 

Besides, we humans have to touch others' heart through a communication, to move their mind and heart, to make money, that is cruel... in that sense, everybody is like a hunter/fisherman to decoy baits as if the animal kingdom, if not, we cannot live for a living... Likewise, people must conquer/dominate others to live...TO LIVE. 
But, ironically people live to DIE, what a paradoxical it is! 

In the vortex, we people battle against the other side to "win", so to speak, have a psywarㅡin order to make them "mine/one's", "my fan/ follower /one's fan/follower" and in order to open their moneybag for an earning and in order to enjoy popularity like stars.

Along the way, if their communication is mutually accepted, we people are likely to think that we receive love from.  If not, we people feel a varied sentiment/emotion underneathㅡwrath, sorrow, desperation...and the rest...
In the meantime, some become a misanthrope(who hates humans), or a criminal, or a mentally-disordered people, and some sublimate/overcome its bruised heart with something sound methods, that will be the stream of time, might be best cure...maybe...

On the one hand, we people desire love, communicating with others, on the other hand, we hardly lose each of our own presence/realm/room. What if we people are bruised our existence/ego, then people might commit suicide like the well-known author Virginia Woolf (UK, 1882~1941), who wrote the book " A Room Of One's Own ", which pursues feminism. She might have lost her own room due to her bruised heart/ the trauma of rape... hence, she might have killed herself...because of the trampled ego...

There was the tragic fate, which is called "The Little Mermaid", everybody will know this fairy tale, but it is a horrible/grim tragedy... One day, she fell in love with a handsome prince, however unfortunately she could not "commune with" him, for the witch practiced witchcraft to her not to "SPEAK", she was a mute, though she got human's legs to approach to him... Her "presence" before him was "NOTHING" like bubbles that foamed off under the sea... under the sea....

The Little Mermaid
Image from Google

After all, the miserable mermaid lost both; her beautiful voice and even her life... Because, her ego/existence was disregarded as the "mute." She was not able to say,
 " That was ME who saved you...not other princess." to him... to him...her beloved... The denial of the presence....

Likewise, what if we people cannot commune with someone esp. "beloved" like this miserable mermaid, then it will be a great agony and a tragedy...

While, there is a different " sweet " love story. They differed from this tragic mermaid... Some may know this story, "Daddy-Long-Legs" ( Jean Webster, published 1912, USA). I didn't read it yet in person, but I watched it by the animated movie, which I liked so much, when I was teenager perhaps, so that I don't clearly remember its full story.

The protagonist Judy Abbott was an orphan, thus she was brought up an old-fashioned orphanage, dreaming to be a writer someday... She was always cheerful amid the pang/hardship of her life that led her to be "alone" in this world...She might have been very lonely...

One day, unknown sponsor visited in the orphanage, and then he made a decision to help her life. In spite of that, she had never "SEEN" him who were veiled, she just saw the sight of his back that was like long legs, its long shadow on the wall and the bottom, so that Judy called him "Daddy-long-legs", by the way, oddly, the sponsor asked one condition to Judy, that was, writing letters to him regularly! Because, he, the sponsor, believed that letter-writing would be important to the development of a writer.

Judy wrote her letters, her daily life storyㅡit was not special nor was great, just a "trivial" her life story, what could be more...? What if she would have been
the rich, then she could have written diverse and abundant experiences based on, such as travel, family, hobby, friends, etc...

Plus, even more oddly, the sponsor has never answered to her! Judy couldn't even know whether or not he has read her letters, who would know it... So, Judy thought that all her letters might have been a throwing "rubbish" into a garbage basket...

In doing so, she harbored her affection toward the sponsor who helped her,  what if I were herself, I would would have been too, though he has never answered to her...

Julia Rutledge Pendleton, who befriended for Judy as a college roommate had her uncle. Yes, Judy was able to become a college student by virtue of  the sponsor's charity, by the way, Judy could never meet the sponsor until she graduated the college, though she ardently longed for "him" who he was... 

At last, Judy met with him who seemed to like Judy very much. Nobody knew that he was none other than "the daddy-long-legs" who was her friend Julia's uncle.

What is more important is, the author of this story was a social welfare worker who help the poor, the weak, so that her job might have led her to write this kind of book... 

Likewise, at first glance, their communication looked like  
" disconnected " , for the sponsor has never answered, but yet he has read ALL her letters in detail behind! Because, he also fell in love with Judy through her letters. Think about it, if anyone loves someone, then, he/she will read their letters frequently and again and again... and again...and again...

Finally, Judy became a writer, and they got married in the animated movieㅡI don't remember the happy ending story exactly...

The Cover Of The Book
Image from Google

Anyway, their communication was successful unlike the pitiful mermaid... Yes...both are fictions, having said that, its stories give us something message about "communication"...

Everything might exist for a "communication" in our lives,  such as love, literature, art, music, drama, movie, political, economic, culture, sports, philosophy, religion, business, diplomacy etc. Moreover, everything humans communicate is, might exist for "brainwashingㅡthe force of attraction" other people that is why we humans do is, "sin" itself against God and others... Therein lies me whom I am blogging to bite others again today, producing a bitter poison like the head of snakes, the brood of vipers! I am...

So...

Should I stop blogging?...

Should I carry it on?...

What shall I do?......

Thorny... its heart is filled with my tears... though my blog cannot be monetized, even so, I am producing the poison to brainwash/bewitch/magnetize other people so as to communicate with, and YOU who might read my crap/poison/writing somewhere else...

Meanwhile, if we humans cannot communicate with others, then we might as well die. Why do people have to live?....We, the living , are not the coma who has no one's consciousness. For this reason, people might want to endlessly express something "self " like this; " I am here, please look at me!", "I am still alive!" and might want to constantly receive "feedback" from others and beloved, regarding it as LOVE,  though, in fact, it deeply hurts us...
Because, humans themselves are self-centered sinners who consistently produce sin in, so that its communication is the same..."sinful"...

Despite, humans might crave to be intoxicated and to be tempted by something factors; religion, gambling, love, sex, money, success, beauty, health, car, stock, relationship, communication, game, study, work, alcohol, drug, smoking, shopping, collecting, hobby, power, fame ...etc.

While, we people might want to release from each of our life's misery through the intoxication and the 
temptation like the effect of morphine/painkilling drug
and like the mermaid who dreamed to love with...but, her love was unreturned love, impossible one-sided love, which was not able to communicate with...forever... forever...

The magic cure that the black witch gave to her was like the morphine that decreases the pain of dying, even so, it can never prevent the last death...

True be told, no one can live like a machine,  people (if they are not the machine) are supposed to do something on and on, knowing the futility of life, the addiction, the frustration, the loneliness, the aging, the death, the failure, the sorrow, the heartbreaking ...something negative factors, that is a man's life, which might be the same as slaughtering pigs in a confined fence... Such piggish humans cannot eat the precious pearl, but only eat filthy things in the dungheap, stinking its dirt.

If humans are the same as "dirty" porker(a pig fattened to provide meat), then we must live like the porker in there, eating its dung until the day we die, that will be the best life in God's eye. Because, humans can never be" presence/being/existence" in the presence of God.

For time cuts off/disjoints everything humans do, whatever we do, because we humans must not be "Being" but must be the disjointed collage/collection of "incidents /happenings"  that can never be existence in the flowing of time.... 

Such time denies the "presence" of human being as if God does, accordingly it makes us to be simply "incidents" to which we cannot catch it nor can we touch it in the history, in the phantom, removing our existence every minute, day  after day...on and on..

Even time erases a man's death to forgetㅡto be "Nothing ", " Nihil " , so that one's death becomes "Nothing " in the history,  for it is forgotten little by little.... there only remains one's name.

In a way, even Jesus Christ disappeared in the history as same as humans have to become "Nihil" ㅡlike the phantom. He was born and died and then resurrected, but He vanished in the streaming of time as fair as humans must be. Now Jesus Christ was only left in the book of the Bible with the "TEXT."(Words of something written)

However, Only He conquers time, for "He is eternal",  which says that "He is spirit" ; ESV John 6:63 Jesus says, 
" It is the Spirit who gives life ; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."

Then, it might be able to sump up like that ; He is spirit, His spirit is the words that He have spoken give life, therefore He can give life through His words(text); ESV 1 Peter 1:25...But the Word of the Lord remains forever/ ESV Isaiah 40:8...but the word of our God will stand forever.

In addition, He is also eternal. If He Himself is not the eternal spirit, how can He give life?  As a result, the Spirit is eternal, not the flesh ; ESV John 4:24 Jesus says, ..." God is spirit..."

Well, I doubt the resurrection of human, but yet what if Jesus was born and died and then resurrected, then we His creation might have to be done as same as Jesus did.
So, humans were born and die(are aging to die again today) and then will resurrect...

Because, we humans are His clone, flippantly speaking, we humans are another Jesus Christ Himself, for He is our own body and we are in Him as His body itself for which it cannot be detached from. But, only for His people will be... and He only knows them according to the Bibleㅡall is not my personal opinion and I hope so...

In this regard, everything humans do is, might be the phantom/ nihil/worthless. My blogging might be also the phantom like a trash heap....worthless!  and it might have to exist only for my own monologue and for my monodrama, not to brainwash/bewitch/magnetize other people... 

That being said, ironically we humans might have to necessarily live in that phantom(nihil, there is the song: "Nella Fantasia", which translates, in the phantom) as same as Jesus who is the invisible phantom/nihil and lived 2,000 years ago(!). We cannot see Him, His spiritual world, with our bodily eyes which we live in the third dimension...
But, even the third dimension is also the phantom that will vanish...

We might live just for the moment in the phantom, the collage of the moments are, the incidents of our lives that cannot be an existence.

Like the lightness of existence...

Like the wind blows,

Like the butterfly leaves out of the ash-colored gravestone that looks like our old bone's color...

Like the feather scatters all directions, 

All that will be gone...

But, exist only for the very moment...

The Kiss....
There are different kisses unlike this painting of Gustav, the kiss. This is:  its paintings were depicted by Snadro Chia. ( Italy, 1946~   ) What do you feel, while you are looking at this kiss?; as below :

Image: Google

Image:Google

Well... In my eyes, I'm feeling the things; melancholy mood, heartache, coldness, heaviness, unwillingness, artificial kiss, modern style...something like that, even if it was colored a violent, a stimulated hue, using the "complementary colors contrast" : Red vs Green, that is a complementary color, but it doesn't look light/cheerful, showy, powerful and dynamic as much as the effect of complementary color influences. 

This artist might have expressed its aura to intentionally highlight the reversal effect, using the complementary color vice versa/reversely, namely in fact it has no the effect of complementary color in this painting, even though it was colored by it, which means that the kiss has no the very love in them, the kiss is not alive, but is dead kiss unlike "the contrast color effect" that represents something dynamic atmosphere that is why he/artist who utilized the reversal effect in such a manner is very smart, I think so...

This genre seems like "expressionism" means ; emphasize one's own feeling and motion etc. , perverting the original images as artists want, and it seems like "fauvism", which means, its genre drastically simplifies the line/composition  and colors a provocative/incentive, a stimulating, a drastic hue on the canvas, which says, a bold, primary colors.

Virtually, all humans might be the "expressionist " who wants to express their own thought and emotion through a communication.

Its kiss might symbolize a modern man's kiss under something oppression...What will it be?...  A closed mind...money...distrust...suspicion...trauma...disillusionment from love fantasy only for sex...bargain, dealing...business... livelihood...sadness... misery....lost love...etc. Such things cross my mind, seeing this gloomy kiss between the man and the woman...

And there are the other kiss, is Judas Iscariot's kiss...who betrayed Jesus as one of His disciples.
The Kiss...

I don't want to ask which one we people have among, for all these things dwell in a man's heart and mind...
Regardless, almost all people may want to kiss with the euphoria in the golden-colored embrace that 
Gustav Klimt depicted, which
might be whispering, "Let Me In You..."

Where am I going?

Where am I flowing in?

Where are you going?

Where are you flowing in?....

Along the way,
We might want to receive love 

The heart,

" I LOVE YOU "

Not mono

But duo

Not duo

But mono
Which cannot be two

The mono...

Even though it is...
It is...
It is...

What if someone questions me

What life is,

What love is,

 Then I would like to answer;

We just live as a river runs
We just love like a flowing river...

The river 
flows in me

and

In 

YOU

The streaming... 
in us with...

Isourblog  Shalom

16. Auditioned On The Stage : " Bringing Him Home " From Les Misérables

Image: Google

     🌹 Maybe it happened 3~4 years ago. Time goes by too fast...how soon they fly....

One day, I discovered one of music contest/audition advertisement from internet sites. That time, I have wanted to have a stage experience again like my high school daysㅡ I played in some dramas several times on the stage.

I was very introverted in every aspect, so that wanted to get over the innate disposition through performing dramas on the stage...

In our society, people tend to honor an extroverted person/personalityㅡthey always look welcoming, pleasant, cheerful, charming, hilarious...something like that, as if a sunshine... Who dislikes them?
While, an introverted person looks like a dark shadow, even so, it's a wrong perspective.

Virtually, most stars/actor/actress/comedians are introverts. ㅡin fact, not only stars but also researchers/scholars, so to speak, the outstanding people. Although stars seemingly look as if an extroverted personality than the outstanding people or others, but yet their mental energies head "the inner world", not " the outside". If they are not introverted, then they cannot explode their passion from the inner world, that is, is their fountain to pump up the passion.

In a similar fashion, the outstanding people are the same as stars. If they are not introverted for something aim, then they cannot do their works. 

Nevertheless, people are still liable to respect extroverts than introverts.... What I want to say is not because I'm the star nor am I the outstanding people, but because I simply inform it...

About that time, I was pretty absorbed in myself to play in a drama than to studying, in doing so, I projected something enthusiasm that was veiled behind myself into playing in dramas on the stage.

In spite of it, my inherited disposition was never changed through, anyway I liked to sing the unaccompanied song, for, as I said before, I was awkward/inexpert to beat time, while I was performing(singing)dramas on the stage, there were the part of the scenario that I had to sing, the song was kind of lament that had to express the very grief about losing my homeland...I sang it with my tear...with my whole heart...

Now that I think of it, I don't understand what the flaming zeal boldly drew me into playing(including singing)in dramas on the stage!

By the way, the music contest was extraordinaire to me, for all the judges for the audition will come from Europe, such as Russia, Poland, Estonia(which is located in near north Europe), yes they were all university/college music professors, it aroused me to have a curiosity about that, because I have never had such an extraordinaire audition in my lifetime... , that was the primary reason that I applied to have the audition!

After applying the audition, my convoluted/complicated thoughts were being started, in a sense, I was a little bit thrilled to have the audition before " them" who will come from Europe as expert musicians. In another sense, I was tremendously afflicted with a nervousness, a fear, an anxiety of how to successfully have the auditionㅡit was kind of "stage fright."  Back then, fortunately, I was able to beat time to some degree, while I was reading an easy music sheet.

I had to choose a music sheet in order to perform in front of the judges. I chose the song, "Bringing Him Home" from Les Misérables (creator: Victor Hugo, 19C, France), which translates, The Miserable, but this was a big mistake. That being said, I liked this lyrics that's why, and I still like this lyrics so much...

 "Bringing Him Home"

God on high

Hear my prayer

In my need

You have always been there

He is young

He's afraid

Let him rest

Heaven blessed

Bringing him home

Bringing him home

Bringing him home

He's like the son I might have known

If God had granted me a son

The summers die

One by one

How soon they fly

On and on

And I am old

And will be gone

Bringing him peace

Bringing him joy

He is young

He is only a boy

You can take

You can give

Let him be

Let him live

If I die, let me die

Let him live

Bringing him home

Bringing him home

Bringing him home

This lyrics was sung by Jean Valjean(other actors on the satage or in the movie) for the dying  young man(Marius Pontmercy) who was Jean Valjean's son-in-law.

On the other hand, I wanted to sing the song " O Mio Babbino Caro"(by Puccini), which translates,  "O My Dear Farther", but finally, I chose the song "Bringing Him Home" that might have been so difficult to sing to me. I realized it after finishing the audition. 

Because, as far as I know, when singers sing this song Bringing Him Home, then they must make a long voice, in other words, singers need to carefully breathe in and out on their way, and have to appealingly sing at the same time, for this song is a pathetic, mournful and an emotional prayer/appeal towards dying... dying............

Furthermore, this song has a slow tempo and a high-pitched tone, thus, I deliberately downloaded this song's accompaniment from Youtube that was played by a cello and a piano along with, for I needed to record "the law cello sound itself " to avoid the high key.
But it was a bigger mistake to choose the song, for I had to make more longer voice like the touching cello's vibrato by which it led me to lengthen my breath more longer! 

Image :Google

When I arrived at the audition hall, I submitted the recorded USB(kind of removable storage) to the staff of this audition. Because I couldn't go together with a piano accompanist in practice, I didn't want to spend a lot of money for that. 

Plus, I didn't have much money to pay for that like musicians can do. Anyhow, its cost is expensive. What if I practice this song with a piano accompanist once, 1 hour, I have to pay about $100.

Image from : Pixabay

The very day of this audition, I failed to take a long, long voice in the finale(the last section : Bringing~~ him~~~home~~~~~~~~) that had to lengthen my breath up to the end. Namely, I couldn't make such a long voice to the end, but its voice was cut off on my way!
Even so, fortunately it was the last finale, but it might have been a highlight scene...

At the very moment, I mistook to control my breath, I couldn't fulfill the finale as long as the cello lengthened the last lingering sound, its aftertaste...What a long it was to me at the exact moment!

At the time, we, all applicants, had to learn by heart a music sheet, in addition, they didn't allow to use a microphone (any kind of equipment : e.g. : earphones, headphone...)

It was possible to apply for musical instruments sectionㅡespecially a piano, for some judges for this audition were also pianistsㅡI knew it through the music audition advert.  The very day of this audition, there were 5~7 judges who was sitting down on chairs before the stage.

I couldn't apply for musical instruments section, I had no self-confidence to play my violin before "them",  for first I cannot memorize a music sheetㅡ playing the violin is utterly different from singing, when I learn by heart a music sheetㅡ for instance, singing can be learned by heart a music sheet by hearing sound itself, but playing the violin needs to visually recall a whole music sheet, well, I cannot even explain this situation.... 
However, musicians can DO it , no matter what it is, unlike me that is why we people call them a musician...

Besides, what if I'm mistaken to wrongly shift fingers on the violin finger-board, period!  For a violin itself is very exquisite/keen/picky to be in pitch/key.

Image from: Pixabay

I was trembling with fear behind the backstage, like when a rat met a cat in the dark, waiting for my turn and drinking water on and on, I heard that when we people are nervous, drinking water helps to reduce the tension with a deep breath. I was no longer the high school student who confidently and bravely performed dramas on the stage.


At last, it was my turn!  I gave the recorded USB to the audition staff. After he set it into something music equipment in the booth, after a few minutes, the recorded accompaniment was fully echoed in the hall.

I intentionally took off my eyeglasses not to clearly see the judges, and I determined to close my eyes until its song was finished on the stage. After introducing myself to them in brief, finally I sang the song "Bringing Him Home."

I prepared the song in advance for approximately 2~4 weeksㅡ don't remember the exact build-up period.
I practiced the song in my house without any helper(an expert teacher for) whenever I have time... 

First I had to memorize all that music sheet, its lyrics, beat, tune/key, the breathing mark that where I should breathe on the way, all of them.

When I sang the song, there were a coupleㅡ they seemed like just audience, not the applicants for this audition, who was sitting down on the audience seat, the couple was quietly listening my song far away...

When I finished the song to the end, thankfully one of the judges who was from Russia gave me the precious encouragement and advisement, saying, " You need to train to make a deep voice from your belly, not from your vocal cord, but your song was not bad as much as you think. And if you have trained how to sing from an expert, then it would have been better." The staff for this audition interpreted what she said.  I thought that she would have already penetrated/seen through my depressing heart...

On the way home after finishing the tense/strained audition, I shed hot tears in car... I didn't know where it came from... Most likely, it might have been "self-pity " that I have never been trained a music lesson from expert vocalist of how to sing like other rich musicians do, the higher classes, who can go abroad to study.

Frankly, if anyone has no much money, then it's impossible to study music. Yes...occasionally it might be possible to be a musician without much money, regardless, it is assuredly rare case.... otherwise, they must be a musical prodigy/ genius, having said that, they also ought to train or develop their intrinsic talent through other sponsor like famous musicians, such as Mozart or Beethoven etc.

The Piano Lesson, Created 1889
Pierre-Auguste Renoir, France
Image:
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The former violin teacher in group class that I introduced once studied the violin in Germany that's why she taunted/despised me; I was not good at beating time... I still don't know why she uncommonly and intentionally disliked me than other learners who were all beginners...

The group lesson for a violin was opened only for citizens in my city, which was managed by a city hall/government, so that its tuition/cost was not much expensive to learn.

Reportedly, I heard that she went other county again to study the violin more perfectly...she looked like a rich princess who could be supported from her parents ...
And her nose seemed like the artificial silicone that she might have had plastic surgery, but looked like a little bit artificial, even so, naturally attractive, so its cost might be more expensive to have such a natural plastic surgery...

After this experience of the audition, I realized that I was not appropriate to be a musician, and I'm no longer envious of that musicians, whoever they are, due to the "stage fright" that might be a huge huddle to do, moreover my short talent for a music too, which might be the biggest stumbling block.

On the flip side, I was shamed of myself that I have dreamed to have such the audition for the rich...
that being said, lately I often listen to music they do...

Ducks can never become swans.
 ...Either ducks or swans must live just as it is, which means, they can never be changed the inborn, the preordained fate...

I was the dappled/spotted duck... and I'm still the duck, to such that duck, the best place might be just the small pond, but how thankful it is that the duck can swim and prey on small fishes in,  not the wide sky the swans fly.

Such ducks can never fly, even though they have the same wings like swans have, but must be butchered and eaten someday... that is why everybody wants to fly the sky like swans, the "white" swans...like princes and princesses...

They don't even swim in the small pond, but swim in the picturesque lake...

My Home was neither the sky nor the lake... 
I learned that I have to accept all its fate that I have to live as the dead duck ㅡsomething doomed to failure/die whatever I do... Nevertheless, its fate/God still spares my life...Why is that?... I don't even know what its fate wants from me...from "the DEAD DUCK", not from "the white swans"...

It might be the same principle that all humans must die in the end, dispite, God lets them live in this world... if so, why do people have to live again today?...
Well, ironically, after all everybody lives in order to " DIE ", not in order to " FLY ". In that respect, in fact, everybody is like the dead duck, though some still might regard themselves as the swans...

That is why Socrates( philosopher, a classical Greek) said, " Know yourself ! " , which says, I have to know myself that I am not the swans, I can never become... in some ways, I might be a lucky person who knows the impossibility...

After having this experience of the audition, I realized that where "My true Home" was, that is, I have to live as the predestined fate leads, as its fate drives, though it may be the lowly thatched cottage...
A fatalist doesn't rebel against its fate even if I die in there, like Jean Valjean sang :

God,
You can take

You can give
...If I die, let me die...

The Portrait Of Maria Munk / The Last...
Gustave Klimt  1912

Later, after happening this audition, I sang the song :

 " Home, Sweet Home " (Henry Bishop, 1787~1856, UK) not as an expert singer, knowing where my true home was ...

"Home, sweet home"

Mid pleasures and palaces 

though we may roam

Be it ever so humble,

 there's no place like home....
...

An exile from home
splendor dazzles in vain
Oh give me my lowly
thatched cottage again
The birds singing  gaily that 
came at my call

And gave me the peace of 
mind dearer than all

Home, home, sweet, sweet 
home

There's no place like home
There's no place like home

 This is my song that was recorded 2018 perhaps, recently I made this film/video, May, 2020 as below:

It sounds like the day of 1940's amid World War II. I thought that my song  sounds like the song in those day... 

For example,  one of German women might have sung this song, longing for her "beloved" who might have been a solider under "Nazism"/ "fascism" amid World War II. 

In fact, this song " Home, sweet home" has a similar background,  but is not the love story... this song " Home, sweet home" had the background of the Civil War in the US, that time,  lots of soldiers yearned for going back home with their homesickness...
Who would want to be stuck such as soldiers because of "the slavery", "the racism" ?...

No one likes the dappled/spotted, the black, the brown, the yellow.... But it may be unavoidable, that is a sin-stained human nature everybody has... and God also created them, as the outsiders....therein lies me as the dappled/spotted duck and as the dead duck...not the white swans....

And I also played the violin, not as an expert, "Bringing Him Home" with the piano accompaniment without judges, as you listen, it needs to make a long sound with vibrato(kind of vibration)ㅡbut I'm short to make its sound , keeping a slow tempo that is why singers are difficult to breathe in the midst of ...

Recorded 2018 perhaps, lately I made this film May, 2020. Back then, I might have put in a "mute" onto the bridge of my violin to water down/turn down the violin's volume, so that its sound doesn't sound clearly in my ears, whereas the piano volume sounds more loud...

I am the miserable...

Les Misérables...

But yet...

  I sang this song,

 Bringing Him Home,
As the miserable,

Praying for dying him;

         

Let him rest

Let him live

If I die, let me die

Bringing him home

Bringing him home

             

Bringing

Him

Home...

             

Isourblog  Shalom