In my teens, I liked this story so much, for I could peep into their lives indirectly, further, back then, equivocally, I have dreamed to be an artist(a painter). I was vastly concerned how to live and what to do for a living. At last, over the years, I have taught by myself how to paint not as an expert, however, lately I hardly paint, no matter what it is. Because I am no longer a dreaming teen. I became aware of what life is in practice rather than that time.
"Johnsy"(the protagonist) was dying because of a pneumonia, waiting for her death day after day as if a dying patient under a time-limited life.
She was merely relying on her every hope for the ivy through the window, identifying herself, her life, with the falling leaves that were falling one after another...
She thought like this; " If that leaves were all gone without the left one, then I would have been dead simultaneously..." , due to her fragile mind, weakness, frustration, poor life, lowly life...and the rest.
In the meantime, an old man painter Behrman, who has lived alone on the upper floor has dreamed to paint a "standout masterpiece" once-in-a-lifetime in his life as a painter amid his lonesomeness and his poverty.
He knew the fact that Johnsy has been conceived such fragile mindset. Consequentially, the old painter determined to paint the Last Leaf before she was really dead. The night when he was painting the last leaf was oddly stormy and wuthering. Early the next morning, people found his dead body on the ground with scattered palettes and brushes and then they were aware of that the old man painter already died... but, the Last leaf was graphically left on the wall unlike this dead old man.
True be told, the last leaf that the old painter painted was not a masterpiece, but his death might have been the very masterpiece...
I recall that when I was sick by a similar lung disease in hospitalㅡan isolated roomㅡ for a month, that day, I was wordlessly staring at falling magnolia floral leaves through the window like this protagonist Johnsy.
That kind of her mind was like a solid belief by which she was equated herself with the falling leaves that might have been a kind of "placebo effect" and "projection". Eventually, she was recovered out of the sickness, looking at the last leaf on the wall that the old man painted on, such painting genre is called hyperrealism.
As a similar fashion, I was in critical condition. If I couldn't heal my lung disease, I must have been dead. Its disease leads people into die, unless they cure. One of my lungs was crammed with blood in it, so that I was coughing with its blood that the doctor explained through the chest X-ray.
But, it might have not been my destiny to die yet, God spared my life in those days. In another sense, I wanted to ardently die just as it is... , so that I determined to intentionally avoid to heal my sickness, but its disease was ironically an epidemic, thus I didn't want to be a murderer for the sake of my family. Above all things, I was frightened of dying... everybody may know the utmost fear of the death.
I don't even know what God wanted me to realize through such a sickness... but, as far as I know, God might have wanted to save me from the religious delusionㅡ its immersion, its obsession, its indoctrination, its spiritual deathㅡ every single moment than the bodily death itself.
But still now He may want its disillusionment out of the religious delusion, such as pastors teach the Bible. For God will only know "the Truth" and if He wants, He will lead it in each of our lives, that I would like to believe like this...
Lately, I'm being realized it more and more...
"Johnsy"(the protagonist) was dying because of a pneumonia, waiting for her death day after day as if a dying patient under a time-limited life.
She was merely relying on her every hope for the ivy through the window, identifying herself, her life, with the falling leaves that were falling one after another...
She thought like this; " If that leaves were all gone without the left one, then I would have been dead simultaneously..." , due to her fragile mind, weakness, frustration, poor life, lowly life...and the rest.
In the meantime, an old man painter Behrman, who has lived alone on the upper floor has dreamed to paint a "standout masterpiece" once-in-a-lifetime in his life as a painter amid his lonesomeness and his poverty.
He knew the fact that Johnsy has been conceived such fragile mindset. Consequentially, the old painter determined to paint the Last Leaf before she was really dead. The night when he was painting the last leaf was oddly stormy and wuthering. Early the next morning, people found his dead body on the ground with scattered palettes and brushes and then they were aware of that the old man painter already died... but, the Last leaf was graphically left on the wall unlike this dead old man.
True be told, the last leaf that the old painter painted was not a masterpiece, but his death might have been the very masterpiece...
I recall that when I was sick by a similar lung disease in hospitalㅡan isolated roomㅡ for a month, that day, I was wordlessly staring at falling magnolia floral leaves through the window like this protagonist Johnsy.
The fading
The falling
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| Image: Google |
That kind of her mind was like a solid belief by which she was equated herself with the falling leaves that might have been a kind of "placebo effect" and "projection". Eventually, she was recovered out of the sickness, looking at the last leaf on the wall that the old man painted on, such painting genre is called hyperrealism.
As a similar fashion, I was in critical condition. If I couldn't heal my lung disease, I must have been dead. Its disease leads people into die, unless they cure. One of my lungs was crammed with blood in it, so that I was coughing with its blood that the doctor explained through the chest X-ray.
But, it might have not been my destiny to die yet, God spared my life in those days. In another sense, I wanted to ardently die just as it is... , so that I determined to intentionally avoid to heal my sickness, but its disease was ironically an epidemic, thus I didn't want to be a murderer for the sake of my family. Above all things, I was frightened of dying... everybody may know the utmost fear of the death.
I don't even know what God wanted me to realize through such a sickness... but, as far as I know, God might have wanted to save me from the religious delusionㅡ its immersion, its obsession, its indoctrination, its spiritual deathㅡ every single moment than the bodily death itself.
But still now He may want its disillusionment out of the religious delusion, such as pastors teach the Bible. For God will only know "the Truth" and if He wants, He will lead it in each of our lives, that I would like to believe like this...
Lately, I'm being realized it more and more...
Isourblog Shalom
